


There Was One Office Christmas Party

by howldax



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, First Kiss, M/M, Office Party, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 23:05:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10545870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howldax/pseuds/howldax
Summary: "What kind of kiss are we talkin'?" Merle asks, one hand stroking his beard thoughtfully. Magnus chokes on his beer."Just a peck on the cheek!" he says. "Right, Avi?""Whatever kind of kiss you wanna do," Avi says, "As long as it's on the mouth."





	

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to ao3 for making me reformat this whole thing to post it instead of keeping the format i actually typed it in, eating up literal hours of my time

Brad doesn't usually go to the office parties - they're rowdy, and full of health and safety disasters that make him super nervous - but it's Candlenights, and Avi looked so disappointed when he said he wasn't planning on going that he ended up trailing after Avi and Johann anyway as they made their way across the quad. They're on time, thanks to Johann's impeccable timekeeping, but Brad realises that most other people have started drinking already from the noises coming from inside the party dome. Avi's flask is in his hand, and he's sharing it with Johann as they enter the building, their hands touching for a little longer than would be considered usual. Brad makes a note on his clipboard to remind them about the relationship forms required by the Bureau, but doesn't say anything now; it's a party, after all, and they haven't admitted anything to him yet. He doesn't want to be pushy.

The dome is filled with lights - prestidigitation effects and other magic, he assumes - and what looks like the entire staff of the Bureau, who are all swaying in time to a beat being played by a couple of musicians Brad recognises from late-night Fantasy Costco encounters. Angus is trying his hand at playing the lyre onstage, but he looks to be struggling with it - Brad gives him a big thumbs up and casts a minor encouragement spell when they make eye contact as his group enters the room, and Angus beams back at him, continuing his efforts with renewed vigour.

Brad recognises most people, from general Bureau life and HR meetings (some more than others, unfortunately), but it's hard to tell who's who when it's this dark, and the flashing light illusions cast strange shadows across people's faces. It's a little overwhelming, and Brad blinks hard twice, his ears flicking backwards in discomfort. Avi, as is his way, notices immediately and comes over, his hand on Brad's arm.

"Are you okay, man?" he asks, and when Brad nods he passes over his flask and says, "Here, have some of this, it'll help. Only if you want, though, you don't have to drink just because it's a party."

Brad says, "Thank you, Avi," and takes a swig, and it really is good brandy. He doesn't drink spirits - or at all, really - but even he can tell that this is good stuff, and he takes another quick sip before he hands it back. Avi grins at him, taking a gulp before he stows the flask back in his belt-pouch.

"You're gonna have a great time, Brad, I'll make sure of it!" he assures him. "Come on, let's get some punch."

It turns out someone's spiked the punch - Taako looks suspiciously smug, leaning against the wall and whispering conspiratorially to Magnus, who looks drunk already, his hands cupped around a glass of punch and his giant shoulders angled towards Taako. Brad takes a cup anyway, but makes a note on his clipboard that he mustn't get too drunk; he's a member of HR and they take infractions very seriously, as a department whose main purpose is to keep things running smoothly without incident.

The band switches to a slower song, and Avi and Johann make their way onto the dancefloor. Brad stays by the punch, downing the rest of his glass - when did he get so close to the bottom? - and refilling it in the punch fountain. Magnus leads Taako out as well, and they're both grinning like fools as Taako presses himself against Magnus' chest and holds out a hand for Magnus to take in a traditional waltzing pose. Magnus is in a chunky, crimson sweater with tan cargo pants that aren't quite ugly but are nearly there, Taako elegant in a lacy white crop top, black shorts and, oddly enough, a tie, and Brad watches them move together for a few moments before he remembers that there's a third member of the Bureau's most successful Reclaimer team and glances around the room.

It takes a couple of minutes to find Merle, seeing as he's a lot shorter than a lot of folks in the Bureau, but Brad spots him eventually and almost does a double take. Merle is- well, he's dressed to the nines, as Brad's mother would've said. His hair is combed, as is his moustache, and there's a green bow neatly tying his beard into a tidy, fluffy bun. He's wearing an actual suit, Brad thinks, though he can't see below Merle's waist even though Merle is perched on the edge of a table, keeping an eye on Magnus and Taako from the direction of his gaze. He looks...

He looks dapper, and he looks seriously attractive, and that's really not something Brad was expecting from someone he only really knows from multiple HR complaints. The song finishes, and Merle drains his glass and hops off the edge of the table, making his way towards-

Towards Brad, fuck.

Brad drains his glass, too, refilling it almost automatically now and taking another sip. Merle disappears into the throng of people for a moment, and Brad wants so so badly for him to have been going somewhere else, certainly not to where Brad is, right now, but Merle pushes his way past a couple making out by the punch table and sticks his glass into the fountain. _Now, Brad,_ Brad thinks. _Just walk away from the punch table. This dwarf is an HR disaster, and you don't want to say something embarrassing to one of the most important members of the Bureau of Balance._

"Hey," Brad says, and takes a gulp of the punch in his hand. Merle doesn't respond - he's grumbling something under his breath, and his red suit is shimmering in the lights, and as he turns away Brad decides to let fate take him wherever he's being led and says, "Hey," again, a little louder. Merle stops, and turns to him, and looks up at him with a frown that's less than friendly.

"What, are you talking to me?" he asks, and Brad nods, a little helplessly.

"You're Merle Highchurch," he says.

"Yeah," Merle says, and he looks a little bewildered, like he's not sure where Brad's going with this and he doesn't really want to find out.

"I really admire your work," Brad says, and the band has kicked it up a notch so he has to shout a little to be heard, "and Avi says you have 1,999 party points, which is very statistically impressive."

"Oh yeah?" Merle says. He sounds pleased. "Well, it's a very impressive number to have, y'know, I uh- I've never met anyone with more party points than I've got." Brad takes a big gulp of punch just as Merle says, "So, uh, who're you?" and nearly chokes on it.

"My name's Brad, Brad Bradson," he says, then adds, "I work in HR. I've sent you a few memos about complaints within the Bureau, I don't know if you read them-"

"Oh, those were from you," Merle says. "I threw 'em in the garbage."

"Oh."

"I don't like paperwork," Merle explains. "And HR? No offense, but _eeesh_. I got bigger shit to deal with."

"HR is a very important department," Brad says. He pounds back the rest of his punch just to shut himself up, which he thinks is an excellent decision, and says, "Well, have a great party! You look very smart, that colour suits you."

"Thanks, Bart," Merle says. "Have a, uh, a great evening, too, I guess."

"It's, uh, Brad," Brad starts to say, but Merle's already disappearing back into the crowds. The moment he leaves, Avi materialises from the darkness, Johann with him. Avi's got a shit-eating grin, and even Johann looks a little upbeat.

"Rubbing shoulders with the big guys, huh?" Avi teases.

"Planning on leaving us to become a Reclaimer?" Johann adds, in that weird tone where Brad isn't sure if it's a joke or genuine concern he has.

"I'd never leave you guys, you're like my family," he says, willing the blush on his cheeks down. It doesn't work, of course, and Avi notices when he presses a hand to his cheek to try to cool down the heated flesh.

"You okay there, dude?" he asks, and Brad almost giggles, like he's a teenager again, because the whole time he was talking to Merle he couldn't stop thinking about how darn good he looked in that suit and it's so _embarrassing_ that he might die just thinking about it.

"He's crushing hard on Merle," Johann says. "It's super obvious." Avi makes a noise that doesn't sound like it came from a person, and Brad holds his hands up, slopping a little punch over the edge of his glass.

"He looks very nice in that suit he's wearing," he says, rather than trying to deny it. Brad believes firmly in self-reflection and living in his own truth, and he's not going to stray from that path now. Avi makes that noise again.

"He's so _old_ ," he manages to choke out. "He's at least 20 years older than you, Bradical, holy-"

"It's not that weird," Johann says, but he sounds unconvinced by his own argument. "And like, don't they say that opposites attract?"

"Does that work in real life?" Avi asks, skeptical, and doesn't seem to notice the way that Johann's face falls ever so slightly.

"I dunno," Johann says, quietly, then adds, "You should go for it, Brad. Life's too short."

Brad, because by now he's had way too much punch for tact, says "You too, friend," and makes a quick exit before Avi has the chance to ask him what he means by that.

Everyone is wasted by now - Brad sees Angus (sober, thankfully) riding Carey's shoulders riding Killian's shoulders, which is the most unsafe thing he's seen so far this evening including the beer bottle jenga someone had going in the men's bathroom - so it's loud and hot and stuffy in the dome. Brad escapes with a full beer in one hand and a glass of punch in the other, his white formal shirt stuck a little to his back with sweat, and sits on the grass of the quad to stare at the sky.

His clipboard is firmly clipped onto his belt loop; he puts down his drinks and unclips it, scribbling down a few notes about health and safety adjustments that need to be made to the next office party, when he hears Killian's voice say, "Hey, Brad!" from behind him.

"Hi, Killian," he says, pausing in his writing to turn so he's facing her - and Carey and Angus, as it turns out, who are still in that super unsafe formation. "Take care you don't fall, Angus," he says, and Angus nods very seriously.

"We're being very careful, Mr Bradson, sir," Angus reassures him, and Killian adds, "We're putting Ango to bed and then playing truth or dare, do you want in?"

"It'll be really fun," Carey says. "We were gonna play spin the bottle, but that gets pretty boring pretty quickly. Taako says he has some dares he really wants to make Magnus do, so that's a bonus."

"I'm pretty sure I know what kind of things he wants Magnus to do," Killian says, and she and Carey start giggling.

"Please don't be gross," Angus says, and they crack up even harder.

"So, whaddaya say?" Carey asks, when she's stopped laughing enough to talk. "You uh, you in?"

"Sure," Brad says. "Sounds fun. I'll admit, I didn't think you guys knew my name." 

"You've sent Carey three different memos about not pickpocketing employees to test her sneaking skills," Killian says. "Of course we know your name." She reaches up to ruffle Angus' hair - he leans down obligingly so she can reach - and says, "we gotta get this little one to bed, but then it's game time!"

"I look forward to it," Brad says, and means it. All three of them give him identical huge smiles.

"Brb!" Killian says, breaking into a jog across the quad that has both Carey and Angus whooping excitedly on her shoulders. Brad tamps down the urge to call after them about the inherent unsafety of the situation, and just about manages to do so by draining his glass of punch instead. He's starting to feel a little nauseous, but he thinks that's okay. Brad Bradson isn't one for wild partying, but there's only so many times he can rearrange his stamp collection, and honestly?

"You deserve to have a little fun," he says to himself, cradling his beer in his hands. "You work really hard, Brad, and what's the worst that can happen from cutting a little loose? Let your hair down," he tugs out his hair tie, letting the curls of his ponytail cascade down his back. "Have a few drinks, play some silly party games with your friends. Live a little."

He pauses, contemplating.

"You can't live like this forever," he says, quieter. "You can't always be alone." A few moments pass, in which the cold air starts to take the edge off how absolutely wrecked he feels, and after another few seconds he says, "Good talk!" a little more loudly than is appropriate, and stands on slightly numb legs to wander back inside, where it's warmer and there's more alcohol.

He must've been outside for longer than he thought, because the party looks to be dying down a little when he comes back in. The Director is across the room with a huge, half-empty glass of red wine in hand, laughing at something Davenport is saying - which strikes Brad as a little odd, as he's only ever heard Davenport say his own name and it's really not that funny - and Magnus and Taako are slow-dancing alone in the middle of the room, the only people still on the dance floor. Magnus keeps tripping over his own feet and laughing each time, and when Brad looks closer he can see that Taako is levitating to avoid being trodden on, letting Magnus pull him through the air. Magnus has a tie tied around his head, but Taako's still wearing his (and looking pristine, just a little flushed under the gold glitter highlighting his cheekbones) so it's a mystery where that came from.

Just beyond those two are Avi and Johann, and there's a lipstick mark on Johann's cheek that matches Avi's lips, but they're just sitting together, Johann playing a slow, soulful melody for Taako and Magnus to dance to as Avi rests his head on his shoulder. It's peaceful, even surrounded by deflating balloons and discarded punch glasses, and Brad takes a moment to just watch people being in love. It looks nice.

There's an ache in his chest that just isn't going away.

The calm is broken by Killian bursting through the doors, Carey giggling on her shoulders. "Time to play Truth or Dare!" she says brightly, ruffling Brad's hair with one big hand as she passes. They're both half-orcs, but she has a good foot of height on him, which Brad knows she enjoys - Carey leans down to ruffle him too, her claws scritch-scratching for a moment against his scalp. Brad blushes.

"Hell yeah!" Taako says, and he might not look drunk but he sounds drunk, almost loopy. Killian finds a big rug from somewhere and throws it onto the floor, and everyone starts migrating towards it; Magnus pulls Taako towards it because he refuses to stop levitating, and Avi takes Johann's hand to tug him over as well. Merle comes out from round the back of the stage with a big crate of beer and dumps it down in the middle of the raggedy circle that's forming, and after a moment even the Director makes her way over to sink gracefully to her knees opposite Brad. Merle, who's sat next to her, says something about a tattoo that makes her laugh, crows feet crinkling, and Merle looks pleased in a way that Brad can feel in his chest.

"Anyone else playing?" Killian asks, and when nobody else comes forward she claps her hands together in excitement. "Ok! Does everyone know the rules?"

"Theoretically, yes," Brad says, amidst a chorus of confirmations, to which Magnus says, "Wait, wait, uh - Brad, was it?"

"That's me," Brad says.

"Have you- have you never played truth or dare?"

"Surely _everyone's_ played truth or dare before," the Director says, sounding admonishing for some reason.

"Davenport!" says Davenport.

"I haven't been invited to a lot of parties," Brad says. There's a moment of silence, and then Killian claps her hands again.

"Well then, for Brad's sake, a recap of - thanks babe," she says to Carey, who's handed her a beer, "a recap of the rules. We go around the circle, and you choose someone to either ask a question they must answer truthfully, or do a dare of your choosing. They have to pick truth or dare before they know what the truth and dare are, though."

"That sounds simple enough," Brad says. "We're gonna do great, guys." The spell goes a little wonky, because he's drunk, but he still feels a wave of warmth pulsate from his body. Everyone relaxes a little more. Taako giggles, still levitating around Magnus' shoulder level.

"I'll go first," he says, "and I choose Magnus."

"Sure," Killian says, nestling Carey into her side. Carey sneaks a sip from Killian's beer.

"Alright, big guy, truth or dare?" Taako asks, resting his elbow on his thigh so he can prop his chin up on his hand.

"Dare," Magnus says without hesitation, puffing his chest out. "Do your worst!"

"I dare you," Taako says, "to streak through the quad."

"Like, nude?"

"That's what streaking means, bubbula."

"Going straight in at the deep end, I like it," Killian says, and Carey nods in agreement, taking another sip of her girlfriend's beer.

"This is another nightmare scenario for me," the Director says, despairingly, and takes a huge gulp of her wine. Magnus starts stripping - Taako and Avi both cheer, and Killian wolf-whistles as he shuffles out of his cargo shorts.

"It is pretty cold in here, huh," Merle says, eyeing Magnus up as he steps out of his boxers, a hand cupping his groin.

"Hey, fuck you!" Magnus says. "My dick is perfectly big, thank you very much."

"Please just do this quickly," the Director says. Davenport is - is blushing, if Brad's seeing that right, but they all are to some degree other than Merle and Killian, who seem disgusted and unfazed respectively. Magnus takes a deep breath, adjusts the hand covering his groin, and sprints out the door to the quad.

"Someone pull me over to the door so I can see!" Taako shouts, grabbing Merle by the shoulder. Brad stands, a little woozy, and tugs him over to the doorway so they can both watch Magnus run buck-ass nude across the grass. "Nice," Taako says appreciatively, and Brad has to admit that Magnus' body really is something special, the thick muscles of his legs powering him almost effortlessly across the space.

Magnus runs back in through the door after he's done a lap of the quad, panting. "Done and done!" he says. "Easy peasy!"

"I'll have to make it harder next time," Taako says, obviously intending the double-entendre, and the whole group groans collectively.

"First the pet names, now this," Johann mutters, fiddling with the tuning knobs on his violin. Avi rests a comforting hand on his thigh.

Magnus shimmies back into his clothes, and Killian says, "Alright, Mags, it's your turn. Who're you gonna ask? And it can't be Taako, because he asked you."

Magnus sits back down in the circle and says, "I pick Brad, truth or dare?"

"It's HR policy to keep all clothes on while around the workplace, so truth, just in case," Brad says. Magnus grins.

"What's the- the juiciest scandal you've ever dealt with in HR?"

"The juiciest scandal?" Brad repeats, surprised. "Oh. Hm. Well, everyone's feathers were pretty ruffled when our office supplies kept going missing, and then it turned out that Taako was stealing everything! Oh, Adam was _so_ mad about that one!" He laughs, pressing his cold beer against his face to cool down. "And- and Merle, you keep pretending you're sick to get out of meetings, which is a _nightmare_ , because it's so hard to prove that you're not actually sick that you keep getting away with it!"

"You're damn right I do," Merle says, grinning. His eyes crease at the corners when he smiles, and he's unbuttoned his jacket to show off the form-fitting waistcoat underneath - Brad has to look away and drink before he says something embarrassing.

The Director rolls her eyes and says, "That's not much of a scandal, Brad, we all knew he was faking when he claimed he had the black plague so couldn't attend the Workplace Harrassment seminar."

"Yeah, that _sucked_ ," Taako says, and makes a 'ptthbt' noise of disapproval. "Give us the real juice, _Brad_. The real-" he scrunches his face up and makes a gesture Brad can't interpret, "the real juicy shit. The shit you can't talk about in public because it's so _juicy_."

Magnus nods and says, "Yeah, I meant like relationships, Brad!"

Taako shouts, "READ THE ROOM, DAVENPORT," and they both crack up laughing, Taako's forehead against Magnus' shoulder as they gasp for breath between laughs. Davenport and the Director both look a little perturbed, so Brad tries to think of something else to talk about before it gets genuinely uncomfortable up in here.

"I mean, Merle generally is fairly juicy," he says. "He's been sent the most HR memos of any Bureau employee, and you guys've only been here a few months-"

" _Merle generally is fairly juicy_ ," Magnus wheezes, and he and Taako fall back into helpless laughter. Brad blushes.

"You know it," Merle says, drinking his beer. Brad pretends not to watch his throat bob, and also pretends to not see Avi elbow Johann and start giggling.

"I'd like to ask someone else a truth or dare now," he says, very quickly, which doesn't help the uncontrollable laughter spreading through the group. Killian actually slaps her knee as she laughs, which Brad thinks she's probably picked up from Noelle.

"Alright, Brad," Carey says, probably taking pity on him. "Who are you asking?"

"I'll ask..." Brad considers for a moment. He does briefly play with asking the Director, but she's almost finished that giant glass of wine she's holding and he's not sure he's ready to ask his employer weird and intrusive questions. His closest friends are most likely the safest option here, professionally speaking, even though he'd promised to take some risks and try to connect with more people in his life in a non-professional sense. "Avi."

"Brad, you're a sweet guy," Avi says, "so I'm gonna trust you to not make me do anything really, really weird. I choose dare."

"Get na-ked," Taako sing-songs.

"Please don't," says the Director, bringing out a bottle of wine from somewhere and starting to pour it into her glass. "I've seen far too much of my employees' bodies already."

"And yet you're still playing," Taako points out. "Let's explore that, shall we?"

"I dare you," Brad says, very quickly, "to, um. Swim a lap in the artificial lake."

"Naked," says Merle.

"With or without clothes, whatever you're comfortable with," Brad adds.

"I got naked, I don't see why he shouldn't have to," Magnus says, in a very reasonable tone.

"That's a good point," Johann puts in, very quietly. There's a blush high on his dark cheeks, and he's nervously fingering the strings on his violin with one hand. Avi looks sideways and stands abruptly, swaying with the effort of not immediately falling on his ass.

"Naked it is!" he proclaims, tugging his shirt over his head and throwing it at Johann. Johann looks as thrilled as he ever looks, which is to say that he's actually smiling, and his nervous fingers are twisted in the material of the shirt like it's the most important thing he's ever held and he needs to make sure nothing happens to it. Avi throws his pants at Carey, who throws them right back and shouts "Put them back on!" before she and Killian dissolve into giggles.

Ten minutes, lots of splashing and yelling and a near-drowning experience later, Avi sits back down in the circle, still damp and shivering somewhat from the night air. He's wearing his pants again but has decided to stay shirtless, for reasons he won't share but are obvious to pretty much everyone in the group, who can all see the now fiery shade of Johann's cheeks. Brad places a hand on Avi's shoulder and says, "You nailed it, buddy."

"Thanks, man," Avi says gratefully, Brad's bardic skill no doubt taking the edge off the post-swim chill. "That wasn't so bad." He straightens up and presses his hands together, pausing to take a long drink of his beer before he resumes position and says, "My turn."

"Who are you asking?" Killian asks.

"Merle," Avi says, to the apparent surprise of most people present, including Brad. Brad isn't sure why Avi would choose a man he barely knows, seeing as that would surely make truths harder to tailor to the person in question, but Avi usually has a plan for everything, even if it's a stupid plan.

"Me?" Merle says, seemingly as perplexed as everyone else. "Well, dare, I guess."

"Dare?" Avi says. "You sure?"

"A little less now you've asked that than I was, but yeah," Merle says, gulping down a mouthful of beer before putting it on the floor beside him, out of the way. "So, I guess I'm, uh, showing everyone my junk?"

"Please god no," Taako mumbles, at the exact same time the Director says, "I've seen as much of Kenny Chesney as I ever want to see, thank you."

"You get to keep your clothes on for this one, Merle," Avi says. There's sighs of relief from several directions, but Brad has to admit that he doesn't share the sentiment. The waistcoat Merle is wearing is pretty tight on him, and from what Brad can see that's a body he wouldn't mind getting an eyeful of. Brad reminds himself, very sternly, that sexual harassment is both not allowed and morally repugnant, and that he needs to control his thoughts a lot better - there's nothing wrong with having them, per se, but he's sure that Merle would be discomfited by them, and even the concept of making a coworker feel uncomfortable makes Brad anxious.

"I dare you," Avi says, very slowly, "to kiss..."

Brad's heart drops to his stomach as Avi pretends to survey the group, eyes skimming over everyone present until his gaze lands squarely on Brad, his eyes sparkling with drunken mischief.

"I dare you to kiss Brad," Avi finishes.

"Thank god," Taako says, distantly, and Killian and the Director both nod fervently in agreement. Brad looks at Avi, who looks back at him and then at Merle, who is looking at Brad with an expression Brad can't decipher, even with all his training in reading body language and micro expressions. It's much harder to do when intoxicated.

"What kind of kiss are we talkin'?" Merle asks, one hand stroking his beard thoughtfully. Magnus chokes on his beer.

"Just a peck on the cheek!" he says. "Right, Avi?"

"Whatever kind of kiss you wanna do," Avi says, "As long as it's on the mouth."

"Oooooh," Killian and Carey say, almost in unison.

"I can't believe Brad from HR is about to make out with a fuckin' octogenarian," Taako says, wheezing a little with the kind of post-laughter breathlessness that he's been succumbing gradually to throughout the evening. Magnus barks out one loud, short laugh and slaps his knee, which Brad supposes he must've also picked up from Noelle during training.

"Hey, I'm still in my prime," Merle protests. "It'll be the best makeout he's ever had in his life."

"When did the general concept of kissing become 'making out'?" Brad asks, his voice barely managing to leave his dry throat. Avi beams at him.

"It's all about interpretation, dude," he says. "If Merle wants to do a whole makeout session right here in this circle, that's his, uh, that's his decision."

"What about _my_ decision?"

Avi leans over and puts a supportive hand on his shoulder - Brad suspects it's mainly to ensure he doesn't fall over, but doesn't point that out - and says, "If you really don't wanna do this, I'll pick another dare. That goes for you too, Merle," he adds, swaying in Merle's direction. Merle shrugs.

"I don't care," he says. "At least I get to keep my clothes on, it's cold in here and I don't wanna do a Magnus."

"Hey!" Magnus protests.

"Ooh, he did a weiner joke on you," Taako says, and while they're distracted defending the honour of Magnus and his penis Brad takes a moment to think this through. His Candlenights resolution was to get out there more, to be braver in his personal life rather than being so focused on his professional self, and this is a real opportunity to lighten up and live a little, but he's nervous. What if Merle thinks he's bad at kissing? What if he does something really embarrassing and jeopardises his career at the Bureau because nobody can take his HR memos seriously?

"Don't catastrophise, Brad," he says aloud, quietly enough that nobody other than Avi even hears him. "It'll be fine." Nobody takes HR memos seriously anyway, so what's the worst that can happen? "I'm okay with it," he says louder, so that everyone can hear.

"You sure?" Avi says, and waits for Brad to nod before he gestures at Merle and says, "Come on man, dare time. Get those lips, uh, ready for smoochin'!"

Brad's kneeling, which is weird, because when Merle stands and walks over to him they're almost equal height, Merle barely an inch taller standing than Brad is on the floor. This is, on the other hand, a real bonus, because this means Brad has to look ever so slightly upwards to meet Merle's eyes. Merle looks down at him and says, "You ready?" which is both very unsexy and the sexiest thing Brad's ever heard, so he just nods instead of risking his voice cracking on an affirmative.

"Grandpa smooches!" Taako laughs, and then Merle's hand is on Brad's face and Merle is leaning in very close and Brad's heart rate is through the roof-

Merle's lips touch his, and Brad's anxiety melts away, dripping down warm into his stomach. Merle's lips are very dry, and taste of beer, which is gross but not as gross as it really should be, and his beard is almost as soft as it looks as it rubs against Brad's face. Merle's hand tilts his face slightly, calloused fingers against the sensitive skin of Brad's jaw, and Brad lets out a hushed noise that gets trapped between them like a secret. Brad's hands automatically find Merle's waist, feeling muscle shift as Merle moves slightly closer, his breath hot against Brad's lips, one of his hands straying to sink his fingers into the thick hair at Brad's nape.

Merle hums, like he's considering something, and then his lips part, the hand at the back of Brad's neck tugging ever so slightly on the hair wrapped in his fingers as his other hand brushes deliberately along Brad's ear. He lets out a moan into Merle's mouth, and this one is louder, much less secret, but Brad can't bring himself to care when Merle's tongue is brushing his, Merle's body hot under his palms.

For a few seconds there's just their mouths moving together, and then Brad's bottom canines catch against Merle's lips a little and Merle grunts in surprise, the sound throaty and deep, and Brad's breath catches, his hands squeezing Merle's waist like a reflex. Their tongues are making slick, wet noises against each other and it feels good, it feels like Brad is finally living, his heart pounding as Merle pushes all the right buttons like Brad came with a manual. Merle tilts his head and rubs a firm finger along Brad's ear and he moans again, louder than before, and a voice says, "Uh, guys? Maybe you should get a room, or something."

Merle jerks back like Brad's suddenly on fire - bad wording, Brad thinks dazedly, remembering the first relic - and almost falls over with the suddenness of the movement.

"Damn, you guys," Magnus says, his eyes wide. Even Taako is uncharacteristically silent, but he's got a glint in his eyes that's making Brad a little concerned.

"You said whatever kind of kiss I wanted!" Merle says. His lips are redder than they were before, and slick with spit that he isn't bothering to wipe off; Brad scrubs an arm over his own mouth to try and hide the blush on his cheeks.

"We weren't expecting that!" Magnus says. "You two were like, eating each other's faces off!"

"I saw way more of both your tongues than I ever wanted to," Johann says.

"You said we could make out!" Merle insists, turning to Avi. "You said I could have a makeout session right here if I really wanted!"

"Well that part was meant to be a joke," Avi says weakly, "but yeah, I guess I did, dude."

"See?" Merle says. "And it's not like Brad had a problem with it, right? So what's the problem?"

"Oh, I think Brad's got a _problem_ ," Taako says slyly, his gaze flickering down Brad's body and back up to make eye contact, a slow grin spreading across his face as Brad scrambles to his feet.

"I'm going to- to get some rest, now, it's pretty late and I uh, I'm working in the morning, bye!" Brad says, all in one breath, and bolts.

"Aw man, you made him uncomfortable!" Brad hears Magnus say, followed by a bright peal of laughter from Taako before Brad's through the door to the party dome and can't hear them anymore.

Out in the cool air of the quad, the whole thing feels surreal, more like a dream than something that just happened to him. Brad pauses and lets out a breath, the phantom touch of Merle's hands against his skin heating his cheeks. He hasn't done anything like that for- well, ever, if he's being completely honest, as he strives to be. It's exhilarating - he can feel his heartbeat thumping like he's run a marathon, and there's a laugh bubbling in his chest that he lets out, running his hands through his hair and covering his face, his shoulders shaking - but there's something like dread sticking in his throat.

" _What's the worst that can happen?_ " he says to himself, muffled into his palms. "You probably just ruined a perfectly professional relationship with one of the Bureau's most valued employees, and brought shame on the entire HR department."

"It's not really that bad," comes Johann's voice from behind him. "Plenty of people kiss people they shouldn't at office parties, it's practically tradition at this point." Brad turns to face him, and Johann holds out a beer, which he takes just to have something to do with his anxious hands. "I never want to see that much of the inside of your mouth ever again in my whole life, though, for the record."

"I apologise sincerely for that," Brad says, and means it. "Where's Avi?"

"He challenged Magnus to an arm wrestle that he's gonna lose," Johann says, shrugging. "But you gotta admire how much he believes in the powers of regular weightlifting, I guess."

"He's a really good guy, Johann," Brad says. "I'm glad you have each other."

Johann blushes, then tries to shrug it off. "Yeah, thanks. I hope things work out for you too."

Brad sits down on the quad and pats the ground next to him, letting the rim of the beer bottle rub against his bottom lip without drinking as he tilts his head backwards to look at the stars visible above them. Johann sits next to him and looks up as well, humming one of his compositions under his breath. For a while they just stay there in silence, taking in the night sky side by side until Johann's voice cuts through the still air.

"You should-" Johann starts, then pauses. "You should go for it, you know?" He takes another sip of his beer and licks his lower lip. "You told me the same, about Avi. I didn't even think he liked me like that."

Brad wants to imagine that it's just the alcohol in his system, but the rush of heat that shivers up his spine at Johann's suggestion is definitely more of an embarrassing, involuntary flush at the thought of something like that - Merle's lips against his, fingers in Brad's hair - ever happening again. Before that kiss, Brad would have assumed his feelings were one-sided, and left it at that; a silly little crush, purely one-sided physical attraction destined to lead nowhere. Johann's words are well-meant, but Brad isn't sure what to do with them. "You and Avi have been friends for months now," he says. "Merle didn't even know my name - still might not, really."

"He's clearly- I mean, he was obviously really into that, wasn't he? So maybe there's a chance, if you wanna take it."

Brad rubs a clammy palm against his knee, trying to suppress the hope rising in his chest. "Might be you have a point there," he admits after a few moments, and Johann looks somewhat pleased with that answer, relieved that his advice seems to have been a success. Brad stares up at the stars again, letting their distant glimmer soothe his mind.

Their actions tonight will most probably lead to an Internal Affairs investigation no matter what he does next, but trying to develop any kind of relationship with Merle could have more negative repercussions for Brad in a professional capacity. But then, he thinks, maybe this is a chance worth taking.

He takes another sip of his beer and then slowly gets up, the alcohol-induced mellowness sinking languidly into his body overwhelmed briefly by determination. "I....I have to prepare. If I'm going to pursue this - if I'm going to pursue him, I have to do it right."

"Sure, you dork," Johann says fondly. "But don't write a speech, alright? Promise me you won't write a speech." He pauses, then adds, "or make a fantasy powerpoint."

"Fine, fine," Brad mumbles, already turning away. His thoughts are going almost too fast for the rest of his drunk brain to keep up, conjuring and discarding ideas so quick he feels almost dizzy with it. He'll have to make a good second impression, for sure - who knows how drunk Merle was tonight? He's pretty hopeful that Merle won't forget what happened (Brad certainly won't) but he has to prepare for that contingency too. Taako and Magnus have to approve, certainly, so-

"Brad! Don't do anything ridiculous," Johann yells after him; Brad spins around a little too fast to give him a thumbs up and almost trips. Johann's quiet laugh doesn't reach him, too far away by now, but Brad can just about see the smile crease his friend's face and smiles back.

This really is a chance worth taking. It really is.

~~

A few months later, Brad's wearing a shirt emblazoned with "Camp GoodFriend", striding across a grassy field towards what looks like the entrance to a dungeon, and his plan is finally coming together.

**Author's Note:**

> a mysterious masked man dropped this ship on my doorstep in the night and i was compelled to take it in and nurture it - all he left was a link to his tumblr (this-artist-rushes-in.tumblr.com) which y'all should check out because he makes good good taz content
> 
> you can find me at narcissistictaako.tumblr.com! come yell at me about taz //dabs


End file.
